11/18/2023 0 Comments Ace of spades hqUntil tepid public criticism forced them to end the practiceĪnd it was unappetizing looking in the bowl as well. Kaboom cereal pioneered Choking Hazard technology When they briefly offered such toys in 1972. So you could buy some extra gruel and sewing supplies for the weekend.Ī "prize," if you can call it that, included in Kaboom cereal, I think occasionally they had mail-in sweepstakes where you could win a welfare voucher. You're lucky they even bothered putting the cereal into a box, instead of just distributing it off a government assistance truck into your cupped hands. No way they're throwing a ha'penny whistle in there for the poor kids. Prize at the bottom of the box? Oh no way, not with Kaboom cereal. You know: Like what they feed to the animals. ![]() I think they decided to skimp on sugar so they could put extra sugar on the more upscale cereals like Frosted Flakes and Frosted Mini-Wheats. Actually Kaboom was not very sweet at all. They have no illusions.īut you'd be wrong. You would think that if you're selling this abortion of a breakfast cereal to the primary school underclass - the emerging nihilistic YOLO demographic - you would at least load it up with sugar because, what does it even matter?, the sort of kids who eat Kaboom know they're going to die young anyway. It really won't matter either way."Īnd the cereal was not even good. We're aiming for the dregs of second grade. It's like they gave a bunch of crayons and construction paper to illiterate hobos and said, "Do your best. No, among all the other breakfast cereals, Kaboom stood out as a cereal where the manufacturers simply were not even trying, because they wanted to appeal to children who had already decided that Track 3 in reading class was probably a bridge too far and not really worth the effort. And this was not a color scheme that was in vogue back in the day, either. Note that the hippo is not really your classic circus animalīut this is in line with Kaboom's "Who Cares?" design parametersĪnd look at that box. Couple hundred thousand units a year, tops.Ī creepy bear and creepy hippo into the mix. So who's this cereal for exactly? I suppose clowns might buy it for their victims and abductees, but that's not a large market. Children most of all, because clowns get up in your grill with horrible jokes and diseased breath, eyes glassy with vodka and pedophilia. There's a joke that everyone's afraid of clowns. I suppose this was General Mills' attempt to tap the "downscale demographic" in six-year-olds.įirst of all, children hate clowns. This, this horrid Clown Cereal that looks like it's some kind of weird generic brand but it's actually marketed by General Mills. I'm ready to settle."īecause that's all such a cereal is fit for, those who settle, who accept, those who lower their gaze in defeat and shame. The hopes and dreams of kindergarten are ultimately exposed as so much folly. And it's a sad thing for a six-year-old to have already thrown in the towel and said, "Ah well. Kaboom was for people - children, I mean - who had decided to give up on life. People who are coming up in the world? People who are upwardly mobile? Who is that box for? Who is the intended demographic here ? It was just a dirty little secret, like massage parlors and the back room at a pawnbroker's.īut Kaboom kids know. I had it once in a Snack-Pack that fell off a truck.īut there were no commercials for Kaboom. Singing and dancing and just loving on their Apple Jacks.Īnd the cereal was awesome too. Fresh-faced, healthy, and free, and hopeful for the future. ![]() Everyone has.Īpple Jacks kids had so much fun in the commercials. You've heard of Apple Jacks, right? Sure you have. You say you've never heard of Kaboom? You think I'm making Kaboom up? ![]() I don't want to admit this, really, but - and what you're about to read is pretty much actually true - since I was a child, I've had a strong revulsion to Kaboom cereal, due to what may be called a early-childhood type of social dysmorphia. SeptemNo Matter How Hard We Run, We Can Never Escape Our Childhood Breakfast Cereals
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